All of which triggers crazy, eye melty panic in me. It involves money and trouble. My whole childhood money was trouble. Not just hard, but humiliating
Now, I have more money than I ever thought I would see in my life, but something like this happens and I literally start sweating with panic.
I actually found it easier when I took the year off and the Cowboy and I slowly ran out of money and into debt - isn't that weird? Not having money in a real life way felt ok (ish), but sudden issues about money when I have a ton (relatively speaking) make me freak. Like I can't believe money is a thing I can have or handle. It feels totally out of control, as though I am hemmoraging money, spiralling downwards at speed, crashing.
If you find yourself thinking 'boo hoo - so hard for you to have a secure income and feel funny about it' : we are in agreement. This is not a sensible person's problem. But it's mine. All these years of getting over shit from my childhood, all that fighting and talking through it, all the therapy, all the patience from friends, all the endless, boring, repetitive raking over of every crumb of misery, and whats the thing I can't crack? This.