lemondancy (lemondancy) wrote,

money can't buy you love

Apparently my tenants moved out and left so much crap in the front garden of the flat that the council has been round, taken pictures and is threatening to sue me if I don't move it. They also owe me rent (having never once paid on time in the whole year and a half they lived there). These people are a) very personable, b) practising Bhuddists (!) and c) work in the tv industry and music industry as producers. So no shortage of money to pay me and a religion which is centred on loving kindness practice and treading lightly on the earth yet still I have a pile of crap in the front garden, money owed and a threat of legal action.

All of which triggers crazy, eye melty panic in me. It involves money and trouble. My whole childhood money was trouble. Not just hard, but humiliating
Now, I have more money than I ever thought I would see in my life, but something like this happens and I literally start sweating with panic.

I actually found it easier when I took the year off and the Cowboy and I slowly ran out of money and into debt - isn't that weird? Not having money in a real life way felt ok (ish), but sudden issues about money when I have a ton (relatively speaking) make me freak. Like I can't believe money is a thing I can have or handle. It feels totally out of control, as though I am hemmoraging money, spiralling downwards at speed, crashing.

If you find yourself thinking 'boo hoo - so hard for you to have a secure income and feel funny about it' : we are in agreement. This is not a sensible person's problem. But it's mine. All these years of getting over shit from my childhood, all that fighting and talking through it, all the therapy, all the patience from friends, all the endless, boring, repetitive raking over of every crumb of misery, and whats the thing I can't crack? This.

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